Hold fast

A few nights after the fire I couldn't sleep. I sat in the living room of our new house, amid the packing boxes and junk we've already accumulated and left in piles here and there...and wondered, what do I do, what do I do. Not about insurance or repairs or replacing things. But what do I do with my dream?

For 45 years I've nurtured a dream, and for about the past 10 years I've known in my heart that my dream just ain't gonna happen. Choices I made, or choices others made for me that I accepted, however half-heartedly, have altered the course of my life and pushed my dream ever further away. But I kept remembering that line from the Langston Hughes poem: Hold fast to dreams... But what if you can't hold fast anymore? What if holding fast hurts more than letting go?

So I sat in the dark and cried a little. And remembered that I used to pray, and that when I prayed I felt closer to God, and when I feel close to God, I feel safe and cherished. And I thought about so many of the books about prayer that are popular today, and how they make all sorts of promises: If you just pray the right way, you can have everything you want, wealth and success, all your dreams will come true, because that's what God wants for you! Anyone who pays the slightest bit of attention to the news knows that prayers don't work that way. Many people will say that prayers don't work at all. Just look at Darfur - you think those people don't pray?

But I digress. I must have my little rants at those other Christians. Where was I?

Dreams. Prayers. Oh yeah.

I needed to pray. But what should I pray for? All the usual stuff, but for this specific time in my life, when I don't know what to do with my dream, how do I pray about that?
And I picked up a pen and a notebook and I scribbled: "Pray for what God wants for you, not for what you imagine you want."

Last night I was reading a book by one of my favorite writers, Anne Lamott (I call her Annie, as if we're friends), and she quoted another one of my favorite writers, Kathleen Norris:
"Prayer is not asking for what you think you want, but asking to be changed in ways you can't imagine." I sat up really straight when I read that passage. And read it again, and again. Okay, I'm listening.

When I feel my mind exploring that sore, tender spot where my dream used to be, I catch my breath until I remember. And I hold fast.

"For I know the plans I have for you, for your welfare and for good, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11