Bird by bird

There are mornings I wake up and feel overwhelmed before I can even roll out of bed. Like this morning.

What do I do? Walk the broken dog first? Let all the other dogs out to pee. Clean up my smelly, dirty house? Plan dinner? Do laundry? Go over to the other house and try to peel smoke and paint off the walls? Stick my head under my pillow and imagine my problems away? Yeah, that one will do.

In the book Bird by Bird, by Anne Lamott, she tells about a school report her brother was attempting to write about birds. There are so many birds in the world, he was feeling overwhelmed and didn't know where to begin. He asked his father for help, and his dad said, "just take it bird by bird, buddy." I try to remember that on days like this (most days lately).

We are in such a financial mess. Our property taxes are due (about $2,500), I'm still paying on our winter heating bills ($700), had to pay school registration fees ($200+) and then there's school supplies, our water bill has been tremendous and I can't figure out why - my husband has replaced leaky faucets and the water heater, but still we get these $300+ bills - we owe money to several other businesses for services due to the fire, and medical bills that aren't covered by insurance, plus our regular living expenses, and I just can't keep up with it. Thus selling the house on West St. - if we could sell that, then use the money from the sale to pay off our debts, we could live within our means. Meanwhile I pay a little bit here, a little bit there, and wonder how much more I can cut from the grocery bill.

And we are in a house mess. We need to fix up our house on 7th Avenue at least enough to move back in and live there, then clean up and do some repairs on (maybe) the house on West St. to get it ready to sell. We need to erect a fenced area at 7th avenue for the dogs, because we can't show a house for sale when so many dogs are living in it. Plus we are just messy, messy, dirty, untidy, disorganized people - both houses are a mess and both need to be cleaned and I can't even keep one house tidy! At the 7th avenue house we need to have a functional kitchen and bathroom, and a couple of fairly clean rooms to sleep in. This sounds easy until you see the house. My heart just sinks.

If we could just get the walls clean it would make such a visible, encouraging difference. For the past week we have been trying to remove smoke from walls. We have used basic cleaners, and chemical dry cleaning sponges, TSP, and a lot of elbow grease. Then Pat tried steaming and scraping (as if we were stripping wall paper) - that way instead of cleaning the smoke, we are peeling the layer of smoky paint off the walls. It is tedious, but it works.

We will get there. Room by room, bill by bill, day by day. I just keep telling myself that. I just keep telling myself that.