Amazing Grace

www.project1707.blogspot.com

It's taken me years to comprehend the meaning of the concept of grace. It's a word much batted about by Christians - in hymns and sermons and devotionals, but I never fully understood what it means. For years I floundered about in search of the meaning of grace - it was just such a slippery word - I couldn't figure it out. It had no body, nothing tangible to hold onto, no image in my mind.

And there is the word hospitality. The writer and poet Kathleen Norris views hospitality as the central practice of Christian discipleship. This was a scary thought to me, a shy person. To me hospitality was a synonym for "dinner party", "entertaining" - being a hostess with the mostest. Pate de foie gras, soft music, candlelight, knowing about wine, crystal and china. Not me.

And then a few weeks ago my friend Monique approached me with an offer. A group at Grinnell United Methodist Church was looking for work to do and would like to help our family with our fire-damaged house. Okay, I said, thinking, well that will be nice to have help scrubbing smoke off the walls. The crew leader, Brian, contacted me and we set a date and time.

On the appointed day I arrived at my house and talked with another man named Brian. I showed him around, told him the work that needed to be done. He noticed the plaster falling off the walls in some of the rooms and asked if he could remove that. Well, sure, I said, if you really want to. "I'm a man of action," he declared, and I laughed. People began arriving - lots of people, equipped with sponges, rags, buckets, spray bottles. My broken house was filled with people willing to help fix it up. I felt funny - odd, sort of small and vulnerable. I was scheduled to work at the animal shelter, and so I couldn't stay to help them. I left my house in their capable hands and went to the shelter where I felt strong again, helping homeless puppies and dogs.

The next day, Sunday, my doorbell rang. Monique and her husband Craig were at my door with another offer: the work crew wanted to do more, much more - they were excited, on fire, with the desire to fix up our house - tear out the old walls, replace the old insulation, update the electricity and plumbing, whatever needed to be done, and they wanted to start right away! Was that okay with me? Well, you would have thought I would have been jumping up and down with joy - but I wasn't - in fact, I felt like I was deflating - like a toy inflatable doll losing air - I was floppy and helpless. But I was, and am, grateful, and I accepted the offer.

The next evening I met with Todd Reding, who would be in charge of the work crew. He was funny and relaxed, and I began to relax too, though I still felt unworthy. There are so many people who need help, I was uncomfortable being at the center of anyone's attention in this way.

Days later I began to understand my feelings. I needed the help, I certainly did - but I'm not used to being in the position of feeling that need for help - I felt exposed, all my tender parts, my mistakes, my stupidity, my neediness: exposed. It's primal to hide when you are wounded - animals do it - they hide their pain, or they hide their whole bodies when they are wounded, so other animals won't find them and kill them. And I guess I have felt wounded since this house fire - I felt small, someone to be pitied. And I had made mistakes - not keeping track of my insurance, so I felt stupid and unworthy of help. I just wanted to go hide under a bush and lick my wounds. But hiding myself away wasn't going to fix my house, and pretending I didn't need help was hurting me more than it was helping. I'm not an injured rabbit. I'm a human, part of a human community, and I needed help whether I think I deserve it not.

To be offered help when you feel unworthy, that is grace. To be loved in spite of yourself, that is grace.

To be treated with care and respect and dignity, that is hospitality. To be provided with the tools, help, comfort you need to live, that is hospitality.

My husband and I are awed, humbled, and extremely grateful by these people who put Christian love in action and who embody both grace and hospitality. Thank you.